Words cannot describe how pissed at myself I am right now. I am sitting at home with a bitter taste in my mouth, the comps today went like crap and I feel completely demotivated for anything right now. Yeah I could go do some schoolwork, or go training, or do something else or whatever but I seem to just don't CARE. Or, is it I care too much? I figured I could put my thoughts here... I've often had a hard time enduring failure, even though I guess just about every climber was once faced with it. I've thought it through, I have to get it straight if I mean to do anymore competing tomorrow. Mind you, don't take this too seriously! It's only a national cup in any case, and even if it was the finals of World Championship it's no use crying over spilt milk. I just thought it would be interesting to try and write it down.
I just came home from Kranj, I did the senior lead qualification and unluckily ended up 12th place, missing the finals. Now the important thing is, on the warmup I felt strong, the days before I used to think I'm actually in shape, and contrary to some other times I really felt making the finals would be a routine. When I fell, it wasn't because of pump or anything, I'd made a mistake and was slightly out of focus.
The problem is, I really feel like I should be there, up amongst the top 10. I mean, I could have been, easily. I'm sure of this. And right because of this, I feel so... angry... almost like losing something that you feel belongs to you.
"Jeremy is now pathetically anxious to succeed." - Jerry Moffat's school teacher, taken from Revelations (could do with another reading of this book!)
It seems that each competiton season, I make a few good results here and there which give me the feeling that it's possible to improve even further, and that's when I get really motivated for evereything. The bad thing is, this sort of raises your expectations and consequenty the potential disappointment. I feel my wish to succeed is actually setting me back, I'm anxious to the point of being mentally destroyed (even though only for an hour) after doing bad in a comp. Well you might just say I should take it easy, and I know this is the only way to keep doing it, but then again... it's the crazy drive you feel while competing which is making you climb well, is it not? It's probably worthless, all this, after all it was just a national cup... I'm getting fed up with it.
The chance was there for me to seize, I let it go, it's too late now, then why bother? I guess I just really wanted to do well in the last comp of the season, and the senior lead was what I was most psyched about.
Things aren't as grim, I guess. There's still Youth A lead tomorrow (my age group), and guess what... I made it to finals of senior bouldering tomorrow evening :) I'm probably getting spanked, but fuck it. I'll make another post about how it went, and include some pictures hopefully :)
Good luck to the people in finals tongiht! And peace to y'all!